Ball cap pulled down hiding my face,
Keeps out the light from all over the place.
Keeps others away when I drop the kids at school.
A walking ghost or a walking fool,
I don’t know what I am anymore.
Trudging through the motions.
Training my emotions – to accept and to rejoice.
Guarding against the people
Who regard this as a choice.
Might as well be crazy
Since I don’t have the energy to prove them wrong.
I’m too busy looking for the strength to go on.
Hoping the grocery store line-up isn’t too long
So I don’t pass out.
To squeeze my ass cheeks to stop me from fainting
To wear my toque indoors in the winter
To enjoy my children from the comfort of my bed
(Reading stories, telling secrets, drawing pictures, playing games, singing songs, being a human canvas for their art, telling jokes, sharing dreams, doing mommy’s makeup from
The reclining position.)
Focusing on what’s important
Taking care of what’s important till I’m so tired and weak
That I give up.
Now who will love them like I do? Now who will take care of me?
Now that I’m too weak to carry on
There’s no more reason for me to be.
I don’t want to be somebody’s burden.
I’d rather be dead.
One more try. Just for you,
My little ones who have seen despair in your young years,
Who have been caretakers in your young years,
Who have witnessed the end of a marriage in your young years.
Mommy is sorry.