Sometimes I get triggered and all the emotions and pain of being sick come rushing back to overwhelm me again. I have to remind myself in those moments that it's a new day and I have my health and life back.
But it's easy for me to remember those days. I'm still traumatized by the experience of being dead and alive at the same time. I was so disabled. The only reason I went on was for my kids.
I am still processing it all. I hope the people in my life don't get sick of hearing about it, but I need to talk about it. Today, instead of burdening someone else with my memories, I decided to write it down.
I think for others, my illness is ancient history. But for me, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever go a day without remembering. This poem is about being triggered. I hope you aren't bored to tears by it. ;)
Does anyone remember
What it was like when I was sick?
On my back every half hour
Living life dizzy was quite the trick.
But you probably don't remember (like I do)
How shoulder checks made the world spin.
I drove anyway, barely staying in the lines but...
I didn't tell THAT to anyone.
Life would've been harder without a car
And I already struggled each day.
Scorn and ridicule kept me going,
But I did my best for the kids in my way.
The challenges were many;
Standing in lines, walking up stairs,
Avoiding conversations and bright lights,
Deflecting criticisms and glares.
Does anyone remember
What it was like when I was ill?
The doctors' condescension,
The cold, the numbness, the multiple pills.
To you I was alive and wishing for death.
To me I was dead and wishing for life.
To say goodbye was all that was left.
But instead I continued to fight.
Each day now is spent
Doing things I thought I'd never do again.
And I can't help but be grateful
For what I have compared to then.
Now I stand around often (because I can)
Carry my newborn, go for a walk,
Throw out the garbage, do dishes at night,
Hang out with the neighbours and talk.
Drive like a pro, go dancing,
Take my kids to the pool,
Have a drink, go for dinner,
Volunteer at their school.
And I do all this
Without suffering or struggling or needing to lie down.
You should see the smile on my face,
As I write it all down.